www.sixfingeredman.net
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humor

It sounds to me as though you're waiting for someone to hand you a silver
bullet on a silver platter, and hit you on the head with a silver hammer to
make sure you notice it.
	-- Anton van Straaten (comp.lang.scheme)

Now though, I realize that there's no subversive intellect. It's just that
smart people and dumb people both find the same slapstick humor funny. It
doesn't make me smarter than somebody else if I see furter into a dumb joke
than they do, because it's still a dumb joke.
	-- /. #2910943

I'm trying to get a handle on the female/bosom dichotomy.
	-- tidave k5

Teller: "Ask me if I'm a tree."
Subject: "Are you a tree?"
Teller: "No."

Knock knock
Who's there?
Interrupting cow
Interru-MOO MOO MOO MOO
	-- NPR

I'm going to die in my sleep; not screaming like the rest of the people in my
car.
	-- kwsNI k5

A Zen master goes up to a hot dog stand, says "Make me one with everything!"

The hot-dog vendor calmly prepares the hot-dog, and the Zen master pays with a
twenty dollar bill, which the vendor pockets. After a while, the Zen master
says "Where's my change?"

To which the hot-dog vendor replies: "Change comes from within."

I masturbate just to make baby Jesus cry, I taunt him while I do it too. I say
"Whatta ya gonna do baby Jesus? Cry? Cry like a baby?!" 
	-- k5 MisterQueue                                 

W is for Weevils. Weevils wobble, but they don't fall down. The average
unicycle contains 650 mature weevils.
	-- Alphabetica Cyberia (k5)

"Of course you're l337, Dear." -- Mom

My New Years resolution is to not be hung over tomorrow.
	-- k5 DJBongHit

Q: How do I tell whether or not a guy likes me?
A: Tell him you'd like to give him a dollar. He'll say "yes," but that doesn't
mean anything. Who wouldn't like a dollar? The trick is that you tell him the
dollar is in your underpants. If he likes you, he'll try to find it. If he
really likes you, he won't even be mad that there's no dollar in there at all.
Guys aren't that hard to figure out, Adrianne.
	-- Hideous Jabbering Head of Abraham Lincoln

That which does not kill me makes me breakfast.
	-- e2

I'll never forget it. Well, it happened yesterday, and I haven't forgotten it
yet, so I'm pretty sure I won't forget it soon.
	-- e2

Two baby seals walk into a club.
	-- e2

I find your lack of pants disturbing.
	-- e2

In the grim future of Hello Kitty, there is only war.
	-- e2

"I hope that someday we will be able to put away our fears and prejudices and
just laugh at people."
	-- Jack Handey, "Deep Thoughts"

"For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here's a tip: Why not add a slice
of lemon to each jar, for freshness."
	-- Jack Handey, "Deep Thoughts"

"I wish there was a disease where you're afraid of clouds, because I think I
could cure it. First, you sit the patient down and have a long personal talk.
After that, I'm not sure, but maybe you could throw some water in his face or
something."
	-- Jack Handey, "Deep Thoughts"

"Just once, I'd like someone to call me 'Sir' without adding 'you're making a
scene'." --Homer

     AC: "Reverse psychology doesn't work on adults."
aozilla: "You're just saying that to try to get me to have reverse psychology
          work on me."
	-- /.

Free beer tends to lead to free speech.

My brother sent me a postcard the other day with this big satellite photo
of the entire earth on it. On the back it said: "Wish you were here".
	-- Steven Wright

Honk if you've never seen an uzi fired from a car window.

"If you had half as much fun at this Con as we had planning it, then we had
twice as much fun as you."

"I'll take the red pill... no, blue! AAAAAAAAHHHHHH...."
	-- Monty Python's Matrix

"Everyone wave your hands around in the air as though there are no
reprecussions."
	-- Kenny Mayne, Sportscenter

Hi, I love Satan and I'll be doing your makeup.

When someone annoys you, it takes 32 muscles to frown, but it only takes 4
muscles to extend your arm and smack them in the head.

If Pacman had affected us as kids we'd be running around in dark rooms,
munching pills and listening to electronic music.

I wish everyone was peaceful. Then I could take over the planet with a butter
knife. 
	-- Dogbert

Kleptotherapy - Helping those who help themselves.

"I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by." 
	-- Douglas Adams

There is nothing wrong with abstinence, in moderation.

The reason people sweat is so that they won't catch fire when having sex.

"How many people work here?"
"Oh, about half."

"X-rated movies are all alike ... the only thing they leave to the imagination
is the plot."

"Time is an illusion. Lunchtime doubly so"
	-- Douglas Adams

If ignorance is bliss, then why aren't there more happy people?

Sex on tv is bad; you might fall off...

While you have always considered yourself "lovable," this is true only in the
narrowest, most clinical sense.

Jargon File: "frobnicate"

Usage:  frob, twiddle, and tweak sometimes connote points along a continuum.
	`Frob' connotes aimless manipulation; `twiddle' connotes gross
	manipulation, often a coarse search for a proper setting; `tweak'
	connotes fine-tuning. If someone is turning a knob on an oscilloscope,
	then if he's carefully adjusting it, he is probably tweaking it; if he
	is just turning it but looking at the screen, he is probably twiddling
	it; but if he's just doing it because turning a knob is fun, he's
	frobbing it.

There are two kinds of people. Those who finish what they start and so on.

When inlaws are outlawed, only outlaws will have inlaws...

If at first you do succeed, try to hide your astonishment.

Build a man a fire, and he's warm for a day.
Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

I remember Y1K, every abacus had to get another bead.

The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they'll be when you kill
them.

Ever wonder why the SAME PEOPLE make up ALL the conspiracy theories?

That money talks,
I'll not deny,
I heard it once,
It said "Good-bye."
	-- Richard Armour

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

"After all, what is your hosts' purpose in having a party?  Surely not for you
to enjoy yourself; if that were their sole purpose, they'd have simply sent
champagne and women over to your place by taxi."
	-- P. J. O'Rourke

Cindy: Oh Harry, You're so smart! It really turns me on!
Harry: Oh wow!
Cindy: As soon as you finish that, I'll think up something to allow us to
	Celebrate!
Harry: Oh, WOW!!!
<horse braying>
Singers: "TROJAN MAN!!!"
Trojan Man: Looks like you two are planning to... exchange private keys?
Harry & Cindy: Well... Uh... I don't...
Trojan Man: Try new Linux Trojans! The Condom for the virus conscious!
Harry & Cindy: Thanks Trojan Man!
Trojan Man: My job is done here!
<horse braying>
Trojan Man: Yes, we'll find a philly for you some day...

	-- ./ #33222

Most people aren't thought about after they're gone. "I wonder where Rob got
the plutonium" is better than most get.

No problem, it's all in a day's work for Captain Obvious and Readily Apparent
Boy. Just in case you didn't get it from the name, Readily Apparent Boy is my
sidekick. Oh yes, and you should probably know that even though I'm called
"Captain Obvious", I do not actually hold the rank of captain in any
professional military or police force. Nor am I licensed to skipper a fishing
boat or cargo vessel- the name "Captain" is purely symbolic.
	-- /. flyingsquid (813711)